![]() ![]() The only thing Michael Bay shoots more lustfully than women is the United States military. I swear in some scenes there is audible heavy breathing just off frame. Michael Bay films the female body like Guy Fieri films pulled pork on Everyone cares about Jazz’s death for roughly 22 seconds. The first, to ask “What’s crackin’, bitches?” The second, to say, “Earth looks like a cool place to kick it.” The third, to say “Aghhhh” as he’s ripped in half during the climactic battle scene. For example: the jive-talkin’, breakdancin’ Autobot named Jazz, who speaks around three times throughout the first movie. So, before we officially begin, a few important technical aspects to keep in mind throughout:įor a franchise that is ostensibly about a race of robots made of outer-space sheet metal, theįilms have a nasty through-line of borderline racist caricatures. To navigate to the Transformer of your choice, click through these links: What is the difference between an Autobot and a Decepticon? Who is Sentinel Prime? Why would a robot incapable of reproducing sexually need a giant, swinging pair of testicles? Dive in to these burning questions, and more, right here. What I can do, however, is explain every detail of Michael Bay’s pyrotechnic-porn franchise based on a line of toys from the 1980s, the ins-and-outs of the Transformers universe. I now dream of explosions, think primarily in Linkin Park songs I blacked out halfway through Age of Extinction, and when I woke up I was leasing several Dodge Chargers.
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